Today, I woke up. Mind you now, God wakes me up every morning. But today was different. For months, I have struggled with what my purpose is, my real identity outside of being a wife, mother, friend and family member. For so long, I have tried to please everyone around me, but didn’t realize in the process I was losing myself. Morning after morning I would awake and feel lost. A little piece of me drifting further from the woman God created me to be. Completely a drift but only knowing my name and daily routine. My mind over run with thoughts especially incomplete ones. Now negative thoughts, fears, and emotions were running amuck where joy, peace, and Godly thoughts once ruled. I was alone, yet lived with my family. I mentally isolated myself from everyone. Not sure if you can understand it, but it’s a sad fact I faced.
I felt I hit rock bottom one day and no one knew I was gone. If I was an actress I would have won an Oscar. I knew the day I left the doctor’s office, it was done. Another doctor not wanting to help especially since I didn’t have insurance. Pushed off to another doctor, another appointment months off and finding something my previous doctor missed. Health fading, mind gone, no one to talk to except God.
If I told someone, I would be committed. Officially stamped CRAZY. Yet, God was using all of this to bring me through to today.
I was trying to do everything the way I thought was best instead of really trusting God to do it. Was I praying right? Was it really reading the bible or just doing it out of routine? Did I believe God when He said it was done or did doubt have more control? I know God kept me every hour of the day, but my trust wasn’t complete until yesterday.
My 14 year old son taught me a valuable lesson in Faith. He applied for a scholarship knowing he already had it. He knew God prepared it just for him. Yesterday the letter came awarding him his very 1st scholarship of many more to come in the future. It was then I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be in my own faith walk.
Is routine talking over where my relationship with God needs to be? All I know is that whatever I’m facing, God is in control. My prayer is for continued clarity and wisdom as well as humble submission to the power of the Holy Spirit within me. Each day I will walk with God as He guides me into the unknown. I gradually open my communication up to others.
I’m broken, yet true healing is occurring whether I see it or not. I believe God is greater than anything I face or my feelings. Feelings get you into spiritual trouble, but the truth of God’s word will set you FREE!
Join me as my journey continues……