She’s not a cryer, more of a hard core type of woman. She would rather find a solution than deal with the pain of a situation. She spent a good part of her adult life wearing a cast around her heart. Hurt? No, she didn’t feel it. She would try to prevent situations or act nonchalantly, so people wouldn’t probe deeper to find the real her. She was buried soooo deep only God could rescue her. She would face issues head on as if she operated like a robot on the inside. Looked down upon people who cried or felt sorry for others. She could show compassion when needed, but it didn’t come from her heart. It was a cold place that was unable to feel, love or allow God to work on.
How did she get this way she thought? She questioned herself many times. An answer would surface that she was like her father and the people respected him so she would gain the same. Yet, one piece she didn’t think of was that she was a woman. Her mother showed her unconditional love, but it fell on a surface that wasn’t absorbing it.
She eventually was married and had son’s yet the shell of a woman was tearing apart…unable for the world to see. The story began many years ago in disarray. Reasons she now knows wasn’t love. The ending was near if God didn’t send someone to interfere.
God began talking to her and sharing his love, she would respond, but turn away. She felt unworthy of His love because all that she had done. She wanted what she wanted when she wanted it. Anyone who got in the way, got hurt. It was the their own fault she pondered. She felt she didn’t ask for them to do what they did. She wouldn’t accept responsibility for her own actions. It was truly someone else’s fault.
Who is this trapped shell of a woman? As I stood looking in the mirror, SHE was ME! Broken on the inside, as her heart feels the pain….a single tear breaks free to roll down my cheek.
God allowed me to run myself head first into a brick wall, shattering me to my core. I needed it. No one could pick me up from such a desolate place. At first, years of my life was pleasing the world and people….this next phase is truly for God to get the glory.
When it’s time to transition, He moves people out of my way. The work happens between me and Him only. He can’t allow anyone to intervene in His divine plan for my life.
As I sat reading a tear jerking story, I couldn’t stop reading. Old me would stop, but I read on. Feelings welled up in my heart and I felt the pain of the words I was reading. I laid there absorbing it all, because it’s still new to me.
A single tear left my eye. Yes, I’m human was a single thought that came to mind. God is piecing me together and gave me a revelation while writing this. He is in complete control and Yes, I trust Him.
I must feel the real beats of my heart for the next phase of my journey. I must know what pain, hurt, endurance, perseverance through many situations feels like. It’s been years since God snatched the rug from under me and got my attention. Honestly, I wouldn’t change it one bit. It’s allowed me to become the woman I am today.
A God fearing woman with no blinders on. Accepting my past, making peace with my now and kicking down doors for my future. I have work to do, as this walk is not easy. As long as I stay behind Him and not get ahead of Him.
I’m soooo Thankful God is doing the repairs on the inside to allow me to feel real, unconditional love, to see the truth of situations and people, accept those who are not in my life and those who want to be in my life!
I am Finally Free….Free to Be all God purposed for ME!